My Tears Are Becoming a Sea
by kjessalyn
Summary: A phone call from old acquaintances leaves Kurt wondering how he could have been so unobservant. Angst-galore. Spoilers for 'Sadie Hawkins'.


**Warnings: mentions of suicide, depression, infidelity, and general angst  
Spoilers: Everything up to 'Glee, Actually'. Spoilers for 'Sadie Hawkins'.**

**This was meant to be Blaine angst, but then it turned into Kurt angst, and then it was just everybody angst. Sorry for all the angst.  
Title from the M83 song of the same name.**

**Not betaed. All mistakes are my own.  
I don't own Glee, or the characters.**

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Kurt was curled up on the sofa after a long day at work. He was wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket, a mug of steaming tea in his hands, watching the snow that was falling from the cold January sky.

He revelled in the silence that would soon be broken by the arrival of Rachel, and probably Brody, but the phone rang before the couple had a chance to destroy Kurt's sanctity.

Kurt snatched his cell from the table, reluctantly removing his hands from his tea cup. He didn't recognize the caller ID, but answered anyways.

"Kurt Hummel speaking."

"Kurt? It's Wes and David, from Dalton. Do you remember us?"

"Of course I remember you. Are you phoning to yell at me for breaking up with Blaine? Because that was months ago, and we reached a mutual agreement to stay friends," Kurt said.

"Sort of," David replied. "It's about Blaine, but we're not going to yell at you."

Kurt could feel worry starting to pool in his stomach.

"Blaine's in the hospital," Wes said.

The worry exploded into full blown panic. "Oh my God, is he okay? What happened?"

"Car accident," Wes said.

Kurt hesitated. "Blaine was a really good driver. He was always cautious and attentive. How did he get in a car crash?"

David took a deep breath before answering. "Officially, he passed out from malnutrition and exhaustion."

"Unofficially?"

"Given the past few months, they are considering the possibility that he crashed on purpose."

Kurt took a moment to let everything sink in. He had so many questions, but he finally decided on the most important. "But he'll be okay, right?"

"He's expected to make a full recovery, but he has a concussion, a broken wrist, various lacerations, and they are keeping him for a while to make sure he gets all the nutrients and rest that he needs, and to provide any psychiatric care that he might need," Wesley answered.

"Why are you telling me this, and not his parents?"

David snorted. "Blaine's parents are on a business trip in Berlin, and can't be bothered to come home. After we graduated from Dalton, Blaine put Wes as his emergency contact, since there was no way his parents would care enough to deal with him."

"Blaine told you about being beat up, right?" Wes asked. "He had to spend an extra week in hospital because his parents refused to cut their trip short, and the hospital wouldn't release him without a guardian."

Kurt remained silent. He had known that Blaine didn't get along with his parents, but he hadn't realized just how distant their relationship was. He should have realized that something was wrong at Christmas. Why would Blaine skip Christmas with his family just to visit him, unless there was no family Christmas dinner?

"This is a lot to take in," Kurt sighed. "But why do they think that he did it on purpose? I know that he took us breaking up rather hard, but we moved past that. And he never gave any indication that something was bothering him."

"It's Blaine," Wes laughed. "Of course there was no indication that something was bothering him. He never lets anyone see him in a vulnerable position, he's a very private person."

"But why now?"

"It was probably building for a few months, and then something small set him off," David said. "Blaine's terrified of being alone. He knows that if he's with someone else, he can keep his thoughts under control. It's why he joined so many clubs once you left, trying to keep busy and stop himself from thinking."

"What do you mean by 'stop himself from thinking'?" Kurt asked warily.

"Kurt, you dated the man. Don't you know this?"

"Know what?"

"Blaine has dysthymia. It's a moderate form of major depressive disorder. Blaine is more likely to have a depressive episode if he's alone, so he tends to surround himself with people to prevent it."

"Once you left for New York, he was probably on his own a lot. He told us he didn't really feel comfortable with the New Directions, and there's no way his family was going to help him."

"Look, Kurt," Wesley started. "I'm not saying that what he did was right, but if it was a depressive episode that led to his infidelity, then sleeping with someone was probably the best choice Blaine could make."

"Although the resulting guilt and worthlessness probably led to another episode. It's very cyclic," David explained.

"Was he taking medication for it?" Kurt questioned.

"He was at Dalton, but I think he stopped. Something about not trusting himself to be alone around large quantities of pills."

"Anyways, if you add up all the guilt, self-hatred, loneliness, doubt, lack of sleep, lack of food, and stress from school, it wouldn't take much to set him off."

"What do you think it was that set him off?" Kurt was in shock at how little he had known about his boyfriend.

"I think someone mentioned that McKinley was having a Sadie Hawkins dance. The anxiety from that probably pushed him over the edge," David responded.

There was a loud beeping from Wes' phone. "I should get that. It's probably Cooper. He was going to fly out, but all the planes are stuck due to snow and ice. Anyways, we just wanted to let you know. We'll keep you updated."

Kurt hung up, and buried his face in his hands, before flinging his phone across the room.

He had dated Blaine for two years. How had the other man managed to hide so much from him? Was he that terrible of a boyfriend that it had been right in front of him and he just didn't notice?

Before he even knew what he was doing, Kurt was on his laptop booking a flight to Columbus. He needed to fix this. He needed to let Blaine know that he would never be alone. Kurt would always be there for him.

Except he hadn't been, Kurt realized with a sinking heart. There had been many times when Blaine would start talking, but Kurt would just glide over with another tale of the shiny city.

Oh God, Kurt was a terrible person. He clasped a hand over his mouth to hold in the sobs as he sank to the floor. He had done this. He had made Blaine feel so isolated and lonely that he felt the need to drive into a tree. Why hadn't he seen it? Why had it taken two of Blaine's old schoolmates to make Kurt realize just how much Blaine was hurting?

"Kurt! What's wrong?" Rachel rushed to his side with a shrill cry, Brody hovering in the doorway.

"What have I done?"

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**I am way too invested in the emotional well being of fictional characters.**

**Please review, and tell me your plans for the holidays. Mine involve my couch and a Doctor Who marathon.**


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